Don't Gaslight Yourself
(maybe don't gaslight anyone)
If you feel uncomfortable in a situation, something about that situation is wrong.
If you feel uncomfortable with a coworker, something about the way they interact with you is wrong.
If you think that something is wrong, something is wrong.
As a female engineer (who works in manufacturing and does primarily work with men), I often worry that I am being oversensitive or overthinking a situation, with these thoughts occurring during, after, and well after a situation has occurred. It got worse when I would raise my concerns to people and it just never seemed like they took me seriously; even if they were well meaning, the situation never changed. I felt like I was losing it, like I was trying to fix a problem that didn’t even exist. And if the problem didn’t really exist, then the problem was really me, right?
When I had a conflict with a manager at my job, I first tried to talk to them about it. That got me nowhere - so I started going up the chain: that manager’s manager, someone else on my team in higher position, someone on a different team in a higher up position, and I finally landed on the director of the software team. And he told me something that has stayed with me:
If something’s bothering you, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. If you think it’s a problem, it is.
I have no idea how to articulate exactly how relieving those words were to me. It was just a breath of fresh air; I’d spent so long trying to convince other people that I was valid and that the way I felt was valid, and finally someone was telling me that I didn’t need anyone to validate those feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have trouble. I have to remind myself that it is okay and that I should be upset that I felt like someone was treating me differently because I’m a woman or because I’m brown. Some of the concerns I have raised have never got resolved, and I am allowed to be upset at and because of those things.
It feels a little silly to write it out here, but it was really important for me to hear someone older than me in the field say it to me. And honestly, it felt better knowing that it was someone who would never experience the kind of things that I was experiencing.
Maybe more valuable than just me hearing it, hearing that phrase gave me words to share with the other people in my life. When my friends are talking to me about what’s going on at work and are trying to decide if a situation is as bad as they think it is, that’s the first thing I try to tell them (or some version of that). And I remind them that they deserve better.
I hope that those words make them feel more confident and valid in their feelings, just like I hope you feel more confident in valid in your feelings. The next time something happens (and hopefully that time is never) that doesn’t sit quite right with you, you remember these words, and know that you can find and do deserve something better.
And - remember that I believe that you should never be uncomfortable in your place of work, and I’ve got your back.
Disclaimer: This post is in no ways intended for you to stop using the phrase “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss”, as I do stand by and believe in that.
Sorry for such a long delay! I’m not sure how many of you are out there reading this, but I really did want to release something sooner. Things have been going on in my life that have made it really difficult for me to be able to sit down and write. I’ve had some thoughts on things I do want to share, so hopefully I can find some kind of consistent cadence that works for me.
Like always, if you have any thoughts you want to share with me, feel free to do so. I’d love to hear anything that you have to say :)